Change

Why am I basically sticking my middle finger up at my current life, especially since I’m not unhappy with it?

I am writing this from my home, a place that I have labored over to make mine. I spent the last 8 years up here enjoying the wildlife, the walks through the woods, and the peace, beauty, and tranquility.

This morning it went on the market.

I walked along Dogwood Lane with Elvis trotting happily at the end of his leash, knowing that these walks up here will be soon coming to a close. I ducked my head as we made our way through a swarm of bees enjoying blackberry blossoms, birds singing high in the canopy of pine and madrone. I thought about change: how hard it is when what we are changing isn’t all that bad to begin with. It took a second for me to see though, this is an improvement.

In the past, I stayed in situations way longer than I should have. I delayed growth and temporary discomfort; things that notoriously can wait until tomorrow. I stayed in stagnant relationships far past their expiration date (shout out to all my friends, who patiently remained by my side as I repeated the same mistakes over and over!). Until finally, the breakup would bubble up from somewhere deep inside me. Expected, yet still surprising. And overall, very unpleasant for all involved. The physical equivalent perhaps similar to what someone with a legume sensitivity might experience after devouring a plate of beans.

It takes courage to redirect your course. For many, the only changes they experience are when things happen that are out of their control, and they’re forced to adapt. Or, like me, when a situation became intolerable. Which sometimes took a while.

Change is uncomfortable, messy, full of uncertainty, and reeks of the unknown. All things that make most of us squirm. As I work to uproot, I am forced to reflect on and make decisions about the future. I am unearthing things I didn’t realize were there, and digging at roots that wedged themselves in deep, growing past their boundaries while I was too busy or distracted to notice.

The garage is heaped full of things we don’t need anymore, things unworthy or too big to sell on eBay. These discarded items from our past are mixed with the wood and tools that are being used to shape and create our future. It’s all still messy and needs to be sorted, but step by step we’re getting there.

The move Chad and I are planning is big. A complete shift in lifestyle. Our preparation has been methodical, and we have slowly but surely been crossing off items on our list. It’s not until now though, the fact that nights here at home will be coming to a close, that the reality of this massive change we are embarking upon is starting to really take shape. Before it was something exciting to look forward to, somewhere in the near future, but not close enough to really be a “threat” to our current way of life.

I am excited about the adventure, the unknown. Yet sad at the same time, because it means this chapter of my life is coming to a close. The way I feel is understandable, and I know we are making the right choice. But that won’t make it any less painful when it comes time to say goodbye. Life really is a journey, and there is so much to experience. I don’t want to settle down and become too comfortable, thus missing out on all the possibilities.