Fear

“You’re so brave,” people tell me when I mention the upcoming adventure, “I wish I were that brave.”

If only they knew, I think, if only they knew.

Because here’s something pathetic: the thoughts of these words escaping the safety of a journal tucked low on my bookshelf, for me and only me to see, is terrifying. I love writing, and throughout the years have filled notebooks with thoughts, ideas, experiences, and of course mistakes. And every Tuesday and Sunday when the reminder I set on my phone dutifully goes off, telling me to write and publish a blog post, I let it sit there for a few days. I see it every time I check my phone. Then I quietly make it disappear by checking it off as ‘done.’

I’m a liar.

I haven’t allowed myself to do something I’ve wanted to do. My fear is tightening the straightjacket it’s kept me cocooned in. It’s for my own safety, it tells me. It’s done such a fucking excellent job of “keeping me safe” that I don’t even notice it. It’s so calm I don’t even struggle. I can’t even stand up against it because I’m so used to it, I no longer see it. It’s had over 20 years to get this good.

It allows me to do some things, such as journal. But when there is any chance of me trying to submit anything, take it beyond the confines of my home, it swiftly moves in to kill the idea, the motivation. It’s a chameleon. It masquerades as procrastination. Makes me second guess, then quickly redirects my attention elsewhere to something safe. It tells me nobody cares, it’s all been done before, and somehow that is enough to stop me. Which, quite frankly, sucks.

It’s time to take risks! To feel the rejection, humiliation, or whatever it is that fear (perhaps Ego) is, well, terrified of. You never know what will happen unless you allow yourself to try. And regardless of the outcome, getting out of your comfort zone is what gives life richness and meaning.

This is something I’m going to do, and you should to. Ask yourself, how has fear managed to creep into your life? How does it limit you? If there is something you really want to do, does the answer you give yourself of why you’re not doing it actually carry weight? Is it your answer, or is it that of someone else? A loved one you may not want to disappoint, or society even? This is your life. You get to choose.